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AQUIRE THIS!

 She tells me this now, after several years of marriage and repaid student loans. I thought about saying “Maybe you should have mentioned this before I took those mierda classes!” but after this many years of marriage, I knew better. So instead, I asked lovingly, “I wasted three years of College Spanish and I could have just acquired a language? Sort of how I acquired a taste for beer?”

  She told me it doesn’t work that way. And I guess I knew that. Because the acquisition game is a tricky one, and it gets trickier as you get older. Kids acquire knowledge 24/7 and don’t even know they are doing it. Languages. Musical Instruments. Athletic Ability. Math Smarts. They just go out for 15 minutes at recess and sing songs about Pythagorean theories and throw a ball around with their buddies. After a few years of doing that, they find themselves flawlessly singing Led Zeppelin covers in garage bands, simultaneously doing their geometry homework and getting recruited by Division 1 Colleges for their sport and brains. Meanwhile, I see adults who study guitar for hours every day, practicing scales until their fingers are blistered, and are screaming triumphantly when they strum out Love Me Do by the Beatles. IT’S AMAZING!

  Even my dog has gotten in on the acquisition game. Don’t get me wrong – he’s learned a bunch of tricks, which we taught him by bribing his stomach. Sit … get a treat. Roll over … get a treat.  Bark at the mean neighbor … get a treat. But he’s acquired a few tricks of his own too. He has a squirrel fetish and will take out anything and everything in a straight line between him and squirrel. He pokes everything with his nose – people, rocks, cars, trees – looking for a squeaker. And he will burp everytime he sees me. I didn’t teach him any of those tricks. He just acquired them.

  At this point, as an adult, I fall under the category of an “old dog.” And maybe it is true you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. But that’s ok, because I really don’t want to learn anymore anyways. My brain is full of useless facts. Did you know most car horns honk in the key of F, that bees have five eyes, and that women blink twice as much as men? I’m done learning things. But I could go for some acquisition. Sign me up for that.

I’ve been chasing the guitar for a bit, so it would be nice to acquire the rest of that skillset.  Maybe piano too, because why not? And being able to cook like Emeril and “kick it up a notch!”  Heck, why not? Master Chef cooking skills acquired! And why stop there. I need a little spending cash, so Warren Buffet skills on the stock market would be handy. Maybe do a little investment here and there, so Mark Cuban, I need some Shark Tank skills.

  But sadly, I know that for adults, acquisition is really a substitute word for experience. We learn through experiences. So my dreams of being a MasterChefMusicianInvestor… are going to take a little while. I’ll get back to you on that.

So what’s this all mean for you dear reader? Well, take a look around. You’re relaxed, sitting comfortably, and perhaps enjoying a tasty beverage. Clearly you’re a person of high intellect because you’re reading the latest Tybee Beachcomber. Based on this, my experience tells me that it is evident somewhere along the line you have acquired a thirst for quality drinks and a passion for the finer things in life. Clearly, you are on a happy path, and I predict you will acquire amazing knowledge and experiences over the next year. But if for some reason, after reading this, you find yourself compelled to push things with your nose to see if they squeak, you have acquired the wrong part of this article! Please re-read this article and see if the feeling vanishes.  If this is your second time through the article and you still feel compelled to squeak your friend, consult your bartender immediately. Cheers!